My own personal script: advertising Colombia

Long shot: airport, a queue in front of immigration officers. A sign above everyone says DEPARTURES.

Cuts to medium shot: girl approaches officer, slides her passport to the other side of the glass. Officer looks at her, opens passport and types a few things on his computer.

A dialogue in Spanish.

Officer: ¡Tan pronto te vas!

Girl: (smiling politely) Sí.

Officer: Pero, ¿cómo ya te vas?

Girl: (looks confused, but smiles) Pues, se acabaron las vacaciones. ¡Qué pena! (she laughs)

Officer: (looks something up in his computer) ¿Así que eres docente?

Girl: (thinks “wtf? I’m leaving country, what does he care what I do?”) Sí, soy.

Officer: Y, dime ¿cuándo vuelves?

Girl: (understands what might be going on and thinks it’s funny and also weird, but basically funny) Bueno, seguramente volveré porque lo he pasado genial, y además…

Officer: Pero, yo quiero saber precisamente cuando vuelves. ¿Semana que viene, mes que viene?…

 

Girl blushes, starts laughing and can’t think of a suitable answer. Officer slides her passport back, blinks one eye and tells her to come back soon.

Play while you finish reading: Drive my car

Fade out to black screen. “Drive my car” starts playing and some sayings in a colourful font fade in:

“Colombia: we take flirting to the next level.”

Or, else:

“Colombia: that’s how it’s done.”

Maybe it could also be something shorter like:

“Colombia: mojo.”

Or even better, just cut the crap and go:

“Colombia: meow!”

Were I a publicist, this would certainly get a shot at the screens. Honestly, think about it! If this is how the trip ends (at an airport, which is probably the least sexy place on the planet along with the dentist’s office and hospitals – when you’re a patient; we know doctors and nurses do a lot stuff there), can you imagine what the rest of it was like? Yes, it’s totally worth the visit, everyone. And not just because of the non-stop 24 hours a day flirting, of course (even though that makes you feel pretty and exotic and like you’re the reincarnation of Rita Hayworth). But, natural and cultural beauties aside, the pampering and ego-massage are certainly a plus.

Cheat

Cheat. If there’s one piece of advice I believe I should pass on to mankind, this is it: Young boys and girls, cheat. My sentimental life so far has basically been a series of long-term relationships, which obviously didn’t work because I’m still (happily, might I say) single. There hasn’t been that many relationships, but because they were long-term they managed to take up a lot of my “youth party/fun/doing crazy stuff time”, or whatever you want to call it. And boy, did I have chances to cheat! To be fair, I did it once; and felt horrible afterwards, the person never actually found out about it, but, oh, the catholic guilt. Had I known then what I know now, I would have done it way more. In fact, I regret every single opportunity I had to try something new and exciting and didn’t do it because it would be cheating.

Frankly, not one out of my four ex-boyfriends deserved me not cheating on them. So, please, listen to me: when given the chance, cheat away. Because, let me tell you, honesty in relationships (especially when you’re a girl) comes at a high cost. When it’s all over, all the cards are laid and the shit hits the fan, all courtesy is gone. They will never remember you as the decent person who remained loyal to the end, even though you were much sexier, smarter, prettier, cooler and many more “ers” than they were. Or if you helped them throughout the harshest periods of their lives. Nope. You’ll always be the person who didn’t love them enough and they’ll do anything, I mean ANYTHING, to hurt you to your guts. Even draw the family card, which is just as low as one can go. Seriously. Curious fact: all four of them, at a certain point, told me I was THE one in their lives. All four. I believed the two first times. But still, I didn’t cheat. Should have.

I admire people who can make friends out of their ex. I never could, even though I tried to maintain an open channel until they insulted me in ways I never thought them able to. Oh, and if you have friends in common, forget them. They’re HIS friends now, ‘cause you’re the mean lady who couldn’t bear to stick to a dead end relationship. You won’t be getting their birthdayor wedding invitations. You want to travel alone, party with your girl friends, you won’t have him control your bank account or every minute of your day, and people (women included) find that to be an outrage. So, ladies, come on, if you have a boyfriend start cheating today. Do it like there’s no tomorrow. Try new people and new feelings whenever you can, don’t wait until you are 29, hating yourself for being decent and polite. Take chances as they come. When the breakup comes, there is no decency, nor respect.

Cheat. But, please, only until you have a golden ring on your finger. Cheating when you’re engaged/married does make you kind of awful.